The worst feeling in the world

The tears have stopped, the sedation has worn off, and I’ve finally gathered the heart to compose this.  I warn you, dear friends, this post may be hard to read.

It’s day 6 and we’re still at the hospital.  Mom was only initially supposed to stay overnight, but her breathing has been unstable and we’ve stayed so the doctors and nurses can keep an eye on her.  However, now I’m under observation too.

Yesterday, mom and I woke up in a good mood and she asked if I could help her take a bath. It’s our daily routine at home, so the only difference was that Mom had her IV tubes tied to her.  I locked the room door (so nurses wouldn’t walk in on mom’s bath), but kept the bathroom door open so it wouldn’t be too stuffy.  It was a challenge to get her dressed as her shirt kept getting tangled with her IV tubes.  I tried to help her, but she had to do more of the work to free her hand  Out of nowhere, I got so dizzy, tried to contain myself, and fell.  I fainted.  I tried to fight it scared to hurt mom, gripped onto the wall to regain balance, but then fell again.  Mom kept screaming “buzzer, buzzer” but for some reason, I thought I was at home In San Francisco and couldn’t understand what she was saying. I fell again.  2 minutes later, I woke up sprawled on the floor and found Mom lying under the sink and out of breath.  It was the worst feeling ever!  I called the nurses for help, they helped Mom stabilize her breathing and rushed me to the ER to check on me.  They checked my blood sugar, heart rate, etc and all my vital signs were normal.  I cried hysterically and felt so bad for falling on Mom. The doctors had to sedate me to calm me down and I passed out in the ER. My dad was at home at the time, and hit a lot of traffic rushing to meet me.  Thankfully, some of mom’s friends came to visit so they took care of her, while another family friend took care of me in the ER.  By the time Dad arrived, he was all over the place.  I woke up a few hours later, moved back to Mom’s hospital room and rested next to her so Dad could keep an eye on both of us.  They nurses used a nebulizer until Mom’s breathing improved, and the doctors decided bed baths and diaper changes would be more optimal for the time being.

So I slept through the night and feeling better today.  Ugh! I wish I could “undo” fainting and re-do the day all over again.  I’ve been careful of my eating habits and sleep as normal as can be.  I don’t get it…..what did I do to provoke the fainting.  I’m so mad at myself.  I wish it never happened.  Sigh….I’m just thankful Mom is OK but I still hate myself for falling on her.

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